Cold Winter.

I am writing this at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, March 9th. I am at home, alone, in a good ass mood. I'm feeling great because the sun is finally back out in the DMV. There were times this winter that I wasn't sure that it would ever return. Today it was 81 degrees and sunny. Look at God. I hope that spring is here to stay, this winter was tough in more ways than one. 

I'll never forget the smile on Al's face on the early January morning. Her cheeks were covered in tears of joy, she was holding up a pregnancy test with two positive lines to the camera on her phone. I told her not to take the test without me, but I guess that she couldn't help herself when I left her at home by herself. She doesn't listen. I found out on FaceTime at work. To say I was happy, would be an understatement. I didn't give a damn how I found out. All that mattered to me was that I was going to be a daddy. That was the longest 8-hour shift I ever worked. I couldn't wait to get home to celebrate. 

The days that followed were some of our happiest. We couldn't stop talking about the baby. I was calling it a boy, trying to speak it into existence. I can't handle another woman in the house right now. I need back up. We spent all of our time debating names, picking out clothes, and preparing for our new addition. We told Charleigh, and our families the great news. Everyone was so excited for us. 

I've been waiting a long time to be a Pop. (Well, since I've been with Al, before then I was trying to avoid becoming one at all costs.) To have someone call me Daddy. I wasn't scared at all. I was ready. I was excited. I was finally going to be able to put all of these years of studying my Pops, Uncle Phil and James Evans to use. I was ready to embrace my new title of Father. 

Unfortunately, less than two weeks later, we found out that we were having a miscarriage. Something that I now know is extremely common. This was devastating news. We've been praying and hoping for so long. We finally get it, and just like that, all of our excitement is gone.

I was hurt, but I knew that I needed to go into support mode. I knew that Al would need me. We were both very confused and upset, but it is my job to console her. I'm not sure how good of a job that I did, but I tried.  I didn't have anything to say, there was nothing that I could have said that would make this situation better. All that I could do was pray. I didn't ask why, I only asked for peace. I trust God. Always. In the good times, and in between them.

Life isn't fair, but life isn't over. I know that one day soon, I will see hat smile on Al's tear covered face again. I know that we will have our baby (boy). And one day I will try me best to be the greatest daddy of all time. Until then, we will just have to enjoy trying. I ain't mad at that.